1.Get married. Already my resolutions are better than yours.
2. See if I can pass myself off as a faun with a clever combination of brown paper packages, an umbrella, and public nudity.
3. Learn to puff myself out like a blowfish when danger arises. Or squirt ink like an octopus… Although that one might not be so impressive out of the water.
4. Catch a falling star and put it in my pocket, save it for a rainy day.
5. Stop eating so much candy. Start eating vitamins that taste like candy. Or just eat candy… call it vitamins.
6. Stop making monkeys out of molehills.
7. Read comics every morning. Tell people I read the Bible.
8. Learn how to make Turkish Delights out of snow. Or I could just buy some.
9. Save my toenail clippings in case one day I could be cloned from them. In the meantime, tell people they’re coconut shavings. But don’t let anyone eat them, because then the jig is up.
10. Discreetly poop in public (mall fountains, change rooms, escalators, etc.) then blame it on “M’Lady.” People will admire me for loving someone even though she poops in public.
11. If caught using a handicap parking spot, fake blindness. This also might be effective if caught pooping on an escalator.
12. Stop biting my fingernails. Start biting other people’s.
13. Find a use for my nipples or have them removed. Maybe use them as earplugs.
14. Shave my entire body; tell people I’m lactose intolerant.
Here are my New Year’s Resolutions from last year. I’ll be working on this year’s soon. Soon enough, Peter Rabbit.
1. Watch The Lord of the Rings all the way through. I tried yesterday but only made it halfway through The Two Towers before suffering an intense seizure and waking up in rural Kentucky.
2. Start referring to Althea as “M’Lady” including hand quotes.
3. Revisit an old favourite past-time of forcing my brother to use his own hand to repeatedly smack his own face while yelling “WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF?” at him.
4. Find a radioactive spider to bite me and thus transform me into both spider and man… a Spider-Man if you will.
5. Start employing superlative adjectives when referring to myself. The Amazing Nikolas. The Stupendous Mr. Delic. The Scottish Weasel.
6. Find a way to get tonsil hockey recognized as an official sport.
7. Adopt my father’s habit of referring to everyone as “Chuck.” True story: my mother threw a Christmas party this year and repeatedly called a neighbour from across the street “Chuck” only to discover days later that this is not in fact his name. A lie: I can bench press my own weight.
8. Revive the expression: “don’t have a cow, man” including hand quotes. Also, this expression should be de-gendered. “Don’t have a cow, person.”
9. Collect the foreskins of 10,000 Philistines and patchwork them into a nice winter jacket and maybe some mittens if I have any left over.
10. Open a restaurant of Filipino cuisine… Today’s Specials: Brain Soup and Pig’s Blood. Mmmmmmm.
I almost died on the highway driving home after dropping Thea off tonight. A car in the next lane over swerved to avoid the person in front of them who braked suddenly… and I was in the way. Just minding my own own business. I had to quickly pull into the slushy shoulder and then spent the next minute looking for the horn to voice my displeasure at almost dying. But by then my secret Santa was gone.
Another Christmas over. It was a good one. Received many new material possessions, including a nifty webcam for when I go to Korea. So people can still see me.
I spent Christmas Eve with Thea’s family. Last year I was bored and tired and didn’t have too much fun. This year it was just the immediate family having a late dinner, sitting around the table talking and sarcastically putting each other down. It felt very familiar and comfortable. It was the best time I’ve had with Thea’s family. I can’t wait until I’m allowed upstairs. Boy am I gonna… go upstairs.
Earlier yesterday we had dinner at my sister’s house. We played some ancient pioneer wooden game where you flick little wooden disks at more wooden disks then point and laugh at people when they don’t flick well. Could it have been more fun? Yes.
The highlight of festivities-at-Natalie’s was when Dad took a huge dump and stunk up her house and Natalie ran around spraying candy cane scented air freshener.
Tomorrow a few of us are heading out to Niagara-On-The-Lake to visit Dan. We felt like having different scenery for saying “What do you want to do?” “I dunno… what do you want to do?” The least decisive group of friends ever.
I’m rambling. Christmas is over.
Joey says that this blog is his only means of knowing what’s going on in my life. Hey Joey! How are ya!
For some reason I’m so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. Maybe my body isn’t used to working every day. And then there was the Eaton Center debacle from yesterday. Thea and I shopped for four hours in the busiest mall in the world.
Christmas shopping almost done. Consumerism in check.
I just watched the Charlie Brown Christmas Special all the way through for the first time in a long time. The animation is terrible… but I like the kids’ voices. They speak funny because many were too young to read some of the big words and the script had to be spelled out phonetically. So half the time they have no idea what they’re saying.
But it inspired me to reread the Christmas story from Luke 2.
About that time Caesar Augustus ordered a census to be taken throughout the Empire. This was the first census when Quirinius was governor of Syria. Everyone had to travel to his own ancestral hometown to be accounted for. So Joseph went from the Galilean town of Nazareth up to Bethlehem in Judah, David’s town, for the census. As a descendant of David, he had to go there. He went with Mary, his fiancee, who was pregnant.While they were there, the time came for her to give birth. She gave birth to a son, her firstborn. She wrapped him in a blanket and laid him in a manger, because there was no room in the hostel.
There were sheepherders camping in the neighborhood. They had set night watches over their sheep. Suddenly, God’s angel stood among them and God’s glory blazed around them. They were terrified. The angel said, “Don’t be afraid. I’m here to announce a great and joyful event that is meant for everybody, worldwide: A Savior has just been born in David’s town, a Savior who is Messiah and Master. This is what you’re to look for: a baby wrapped in a blanket and lying in a manger.” At once the angel was joined by a huge angelic choir singing God’s praises: Glory to God in the heavenly heights, Peace to all men and women on earth who please him.
As the angel choir withdrew into heaven, the sheepherders talked it over. “Let’s get over to Bethlehem as fast as we can and see for ourselves what God has revealed to us.” They left, running, and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby lying in the manger. Seeing was believing. They told everyone they met what the angels had said about this child. All who heard the sheepherders were impressed.
Mary kept all these things to herself, holding them dear, deep within herself.
The sheepherders returned and let loose, glorifying and praising God for everything they had heard and seen. It turned out exactly the way they’d been told!
A couple of things I noticed this time:
- Mary wouldn’t be required to take part in the census as a 14-year-old Jewish girl… so Joseph probably took her because she was bursting pregnant and not married and he didn’t want to leave her alone with the gossip.
- The “good will towards men” part is probably better translated “peace to men in whom God is well-pleased.” So it’s not just a schmaltzy Christmas feeling of ooooooooh world peace but rather about Jesus bridging the relationship. Ech. I just thought of that terrible cross-bridge illustration. Terrible terrible.
My mom has made all sorts of Christmas goodies for the party on Friday. So I’m not allowed to eat them until then.
I can’t think of anything funny to write. Hmm. Frasier puked on my bed last night. We have hardwood floors in 90% of the house… but he jumps on my bed to puke. What a wonderful thing to come home to. Chunky yellow on my pillow. It had to be premeditated.
Incidentally, a woman in Oklahoma had a 14 lb, 3 oz baby on Friday. Take a moment to think about that ladies.
Thea, Dan, AJ, and I saw King Kong yesterday. Half of us liked it.
I thought it was a pretty good movie. The giant monkey was amazing. The story was ridiculous and fun. There were some slow parts but some really exciting parts too.
Thea and AJ didn’t like it. And for some reason it makes the movie less enjoyable for me when other people don’t like it. On Sunday, Pastor Jon said that he liked Narnia and then went on to describe all the things that sucked about the movie. I completely disagreed with him… but it bothered me because I wanted him to like the movie too.
I have a large movie collection and I’m always inflicting my movies on Thea… and then I’m disappointed when she doesn’t like them. You’d think I’d have a thicker skin about it. Why should we all have the same taste in movies? That’s ridiculous.
Another thing… I can’t stand when people answer the phone during a movie. That’s fine that you turned off the ring… but YOUR STUPID PHONE LIGHT IS GLARING IN MY FACE AND I CAN HEAR YOU TALKING. Is it really such an emergency?
I’m too anal about these things. My brother is much worse. He rarely goes out to movies anymore because he can’t stand watching with other people… the talking… the phones… kicking the chairs.
Moving on. I have work every day this week. Not exactly the holiday break I was hoping for… but at least it means a large paycheque at the end of it.
Blah blah blah.
This is an email I wrote when I first moved into Wycliffe more than a year ago. It’s based on true, unexaggerated events. I’m posting it because Dan asked me to and I’d do anything for Dan.
OK. So I’m about to get ready for bed. So I’m naked. And I walk into my… walk-in closet. And turn on the light. And there’s a cockroach.
This creature from the abyss was easily the size of a small child. It made no attempt to scurry to safety, it merely sneered in contempt, challenging me to just try and do something about it. 18-Inch-Spider-Man-With-67-Points-Of-Articulation ran squealing into the night.
What could kill this minion of darkness, this filth of Hades. Filth… Soap! I grabbed some Herbal Extracts Moisturizing Body Soap and drenched the six-legged behemoth. He spit it back in my eye. He stepped towards me and I ran squealing into the other room, my naked body quivering with fear and revulsion.
Was I helpless against this steed of Satan? There would be no rest with the knowledge that I shared space with fetid perversion. I needed protection. I put on some slippers.
I rummaged through my desk drawer as the sniggering of the insect drew ever closer. I clutched a small hammer, the hammer that proved so helpful when assembling my IKEA shelves. I hoped it would serve me as well against pure evil.
I held the hammer before me as I re-entered the infested closet. Antennae twitched as it eyed my weapon… the hammer. I raised my arms to bring down a crushing blow when the animal rushed towards me. I smote the beast again and again, raining my naked wrath upon this Bride of the Underworld. Putrescence oozed from it’s broken shell… and I hit it a couple of more times anyway just to be sure.
The hammer dropped to the floor as I gagged and threw my hands over my mouth. I ran squealing into the other room, sobs of relief heaving against my… man-bosom.
Filed under: Christmas, General Nonsense, Korean Adventures, Matrimony, Movies
As I was getting into bed tonight I had a flashback to when I lived at Wycliffe last year. I’m not sure why…
I loved my room at Wycliffe. It was big and it was old and private and mine. Living with my parents doesn’t quite have the same feel. At Wycliffe my door would automatically lock. People would knock or call if they wanted to see me. Here if I lock the door my mother thinks I’m up to shenanigans. Ah… privacy.
The brief taste of independence… overwhelmed by bitter reality.
I wish I had taken some pictures of my glorious room. I stupidly brought all my books with me, of which I read almost none. But it looked good to have a shelf full of books. And my gross carpet. And all the pipes and wires along the ceiling and wall.
And it was so close to Thea… I could walk down and have lunch with her at the hospital… or wait with her at the bus stop. And I could hang out with my friends without having to worry about what time I’d be getting back to Oakville or if I’d make the next train. Which is what happened last night as I was playing Lord of the Rings Risk with the boys. I don’t even know if my team won. Did we win? I have no idea. NO IDEA.
All of this makes me look forward to marriage and Korea. Having our own place. Having my own wife. Wife. Wife wife. Weird. Thea’s more adventurous than I am… wanting to explore and do “new things.” I’m quite happy snuggling and watching a movie. That’s right. SNUGGLING. So I’m looking forward to having my own place again. Paying rent… not as much fun. Shenanigans… no comment.
Today I farted in Canadian Tire. By accident. I don’t know how it happened. I was browsing electronics looking for a Christmas gift for my dad when out came a little smurf. I was so startled by the smurf that I farted. This is starting to sound like a Dan-story. Anyway, no one saw me but I’m pretty sure some people in the next aisle overheard so I ran away, tears streaming down my face. I still have to find a present for Dad. Maybe I’ll just get him a card that says, “Sorry, I farted so I couldn’t get you a gift. Merry Christmas.”
I remember in Grade 2 we had to do projects on the Winter Olympics (which were happening in Canada in ‘88 I believe) and the teacher was listing the sports and whoever wanted whatever sport would raise their hand and she would pick them and so on. And I wanted Speed Skating. Desperately. I have no recollection of why Speed Skating was appealing… but I wanted it, baby. So when it came around my arm shot up and I farted. I tried to convince everyone that it was merely the sound of my shoe rubbing against the floor. But to no avail. I was Farty Nik. Until we played organized sports and I became Easy Out Nik.
Hmm. I’m realizing that I have many crapped-myself stories to share. But perhaps I’ll save them for another wintry evening.
Filed under: General Nonsense, Holy Crap, Internet is Fun, Useless Information
Finished school for the semester.
This is a hilarious video. I hope it works for you guys. You guys being the two people that read this blog.
I bumped into Joey at Wycliffe. He openly mocked me for having blog. Openly mocked. He placed his thumb on his nose and wiggled the fingers.
I like having a blog. It’s fun times for all. I’m just spreading a bit of myself for the world to enjoy. Enjoy me, world.
I also found this link to Faith, the two-legged dog. It makes me want to cry… but she looks happy. Other cultures must think we’re ridiculous the way we treat our pets. I should show pictures of Faith to Frasier, maybe put some things in perspective for him.
I had a dream I was Frodo and I was in Sauron’s house. It was quite nice, actually. Very spacious.
There’s a snow storm coming. Which is great. White Christmas. Except I’ll be out there shoveling tomorrow. Then I have to get to work in the afternoon.
I’m supposed to be studying, but there doesn’t seem to be anything left. I’m tired of school work. I memorized a bunch of stuff. I just want to write the exam and get out of there.
Granny sent a Christmas card to me and Thea. Except she wrote “To Nikolas & Thes”
Thes? Aw… Granny’s senile. Apparently “Thea” isn’t a common Scottish name and it’s getting Granny’s knickers in a knot. She goes to spell or say it and panics. I didn’t think “Althea” was that exotic. Maybe we’ll just call her Maggie or Jean.
So Thea’s going to be Althea Delic. Certainly doesn’t sound Filipino. Maybe Althea Pacis-Delic. Or Dacis. Or Pelic. Or maybe I could change my name to Nikolas Pacis.
Here’s a picture of us from the Christmas dinner at Wycliffe.
For some reason in pictures I always look like I’ve just said something inappropriate. And I look really pale. I like talking about myself.
Thea has lots of teeth.
Filed under: Christmas, FYI, General Nonsense, Movies, Useless Information
I remember last Christmas really well… so it seems weird that another one is already upon us. Can a whole year really have gone by… I ask the Internet.
Last Christmas was the first Christmas Thea and I spent as a couple. Which is a weird thought since it feels like we’ve been together for much longer. But we started dating early in the new year… so we had almost been together for a year last holiday season.
I think it was two Christmases ago… no three… that I stood outside Thea’s house and threw change at her window to get her attention late at night. And it took half an hour and I was freezing and finally she opened the window and said, “What are you doing here?” Every time I try to be romantic it blows up in my face. Except for the engagement. That wasn’t a total disaster. But that’s not a Christmas-related story.
Two Christmases ago I drove with Thea around rich East Oakville to see all the decorated houses… and we dared each other to steal a light-up reindeer… but we were spineless.
So we’ve been together one year, ten months, ten days. But I guess counting is kinda pointless once you’re engaged. Are we going to keep celebrating the day we started dating? No is the answer to the question that I just asked. Because then we would have to celebrate the day that we got engaged… and the day we get married. That’s ridiculous. Just the marriage anniversary is enough. August 5th. Weeeeeeeeeeeird.
Next Christmas we’ll be in Korea… or at least that’s the plan. It doesn’t really make me sad either. Probably because it’s all so theoretical right now. And probably because I’d rather have only Thea than no Thea.
Today we made a gingerbread house. I had a list of Christmassy things to do together last year… and we did none of them. So we’re trying again this year. And that was one thing. And it’s done. And it was fun. Except for the explosive diarrhea, but that probably wasn’t gingerbread related since we didn’t eat it.
Last night we went to Ajax for some church thing that her dad is involved in. Only worth mentioning because we went as a family… and I was a part of the family. I was introduced (along with Althea). We’re a unit now.
Lots of Thea in this post. That’s OK. We’re in love. My fiancee is hot and I want to talk about her.
I want to see Narnia again. There was a moment when the Beaver first appeared and the little kids in the audience started to giggle and laugh… just like in Finding Neverland when the kids watch the first performance of Peter Pan. And it was a really neat moment there in the theatre. This movie came really close to recapturing the genuine feeling of being a kid. Somehow, for a moment, little Lucy Pevensie became our eyes. I’m shmaltzing. That’s OK. But the movie really is a fantasy for kids. I can’t believe a middle-aged English professor was able to tap into his boyhood fantasies of talking animals and medieval fighting and express it so perfectly. And I love that Douglas Gresham was a Producer on the movie. I think Lewis would have been really pleased with this movie. More than Tolkien would have been with Peter Jackson’s interpretation, methinks.
Bah. I don’t want to go to bed because I have to get up and write an essay. And I have to get the essay done with enough time left over to study for an exam. But the deadline for both is Thursday. So… I’ll probably waste most of tomorrow anyway. Maybe I’ll visit Thea. THEA THEA THEA.
